Grateful

I was off to a slow start yesterday. I was distracted and brought low by some difficult communications with someone I have been very close to, but with whom I'm not sure about how I can maintain a future friendship with - and that was affecting my ability to focus at work, where I really need to be focused. It's a do or die month for me. It's got the potential to be a very, very rewarding month, and I need to keep my eye on the prize and not doubt myself. I wasn't doing that.

Then, as I slowly brought myself back around, something remarkable happened to lift my spirits. One of my work colleagues sent me a text with unsolicited compliments on my skills as a salesperson on this team, and he thanked me for the help I'd given him and others in the past. It was a small gesture, which had a huge impact on my day. I felt appreciated and validated, and immediately I found myself surging forward with renewed confidence in my capabilities and ability to bring new clients into our fold.

Later I received an unsolicited email from our financier, who helps firms finance their purchase from us. Here is what he wrote:

Subject: Keep Smiling ..all good things go to those who wait
Sometimes is seems that everything goes in the opposite direction we want them to and it gets frustrating and exasperating.. patience always wins out to those who have laid the proper and consistent foundation .. you are a WINNER and only good things are coming you're way !!
If things get too cloudy and dark I know a great place to dine and drink on the BEACH !!!

Wow! More support when I needed it. This made me feel great - and cared for. Just the right words to hear.

And then, a little later, I closed a deal (with financing - haha!)!!!  It was a great way to start this critical month off.  I'm so delighted!

I love it when you reach out to the universe (God, Love, Faith in the good of life....all those things are what I mean) and the universe reaches out to meet you halfway.

My faith is fully restored and I am so thankful for all the good in my life.

Christmas Eve Meditation

It's hard to believe it's already this time of year again.  My children are dressed in their new jammies, as is our tradition on Christmas Eve, and are now in bed, hoping to fall asleep easily, so they can hurry up and wake to a magical Christmas morning.  I've still got a few items to wrap, and tuck under the tree before I head off to sleepy land myself to try and get some rest before enjoying their glowing faces over my coffee mocha and peppermint in the morning.

I'm a little tired right now, since it's been a long week of 12 hours work-days and then last minute shopping each evening, but I feel peaceful and calm tonight. Besides the hubbub of the commercialism of modern Christmas, I've also been witness to a true miracle recently when my friend's fiance came back from near death to be able to be able to raise and nurture her infant daughter with him.  I'm still wrapped up in the wonder of it all, and can feel my love for everyone and everything radiating outward. I hope I can stay here in this space for a long while.

While sitting cross legged wrapping presents on the tile floor of my cool bedroom in the daylight basement of my new house tonight, I found I can distract myself from the chill and my sore hips by naming and ruminating on the recent goodness in my life.  My recent trip to Chicago was an absolute treat. It's a beautiful city, filled with outstanding architectural specimens, great music, wonderful theater, art and a sense of community that's surprising for such a large place.  I loved it there.  The people were so warm and friendly - and so down to earth. If it weren't for the brutal winter weather and the lack of mountains, I'd consider moving there someday.  As it stands, I'm happy to make a few more visits if I can!

Most special to me about that trip was the chance to extend into a deeper relationship with my friend, Vincent and his wife, Jennifer.  I really like both of them very much, and I feel I've moved past an online acquaintance and into a more meaningful friendship with Vincent, and that is more valuable than anything else to me.  People matter, and the more people I can love and be loved by, the richer I am.  I'm grateful and humbled to have such wonderful people as my friends.  They make me smile and I feel hopeful for what else is in store in this life.

If it weren't enough to grow in friendship with Vincent and Jennifer, I also had the lucky chance to meet their friends, the Parkers, who were in Chicago on a pleasure trip from Michigan. They were celebrating the occasion of their son, Mason's, birthday with a complete change of scene.   Lisa, Scott and their three kids are a joy to be around.  Just lovely people and an inspiring family.  They are all so respectful of one another's individual natures, and I can feel the love between them.  I understand why Vincent wanted me to meet them, and feel ever so grateful that he suggested that if I came to his play (which was fantastic!), I should come on the weekend the Parkers would be in town.  I think Vincent likes to bring people together, and he seems to have a knack for it!  I enjoy Lisa's warmth and intelligence, and Scott's gracious, calm (and calming) demeanor.  The kids were lovely and obviously well-loved.  I want to introduce mine to them, and may have a chance this coming Summer, when the Parkers, Vincent and Jennifer all plan to try to make it here to Portland for a little vacation.  There's also a chance I will head to Michigain with my kids and visit them this Summer.  We're all scheming!  We can't let this wonderful new friendship shrivel from lack of nurturing!

More recently and locally, I've been able to commune with my stepdaughter from my marriage to Ron.  Sarah and her Swedish boyfriend, Alex, came to have dinner with Ron (who came over and cooked), the kids and I last night, and I enjoyed their company so well.  Sarah has really grown up a lot and is so sweet.  Alex is warm and confident, and I feel he is a good person.  We played Portland-opoly and I took pictures of our fun time together.  It's been awhile since we've been able to enjoy Sarah's company, since she was traveling so much in the last couple of years, and was also just being an independent teenager hanging out with her friends, so it was especially nice to break bread, drink some wine and laugh with family - even extended family and a former husband.  I'm grateful that we can be civil and laugh together with our children and be loving to each other in our current lives.

When I look at these photos, I can see how much my children are growing, and it reminds me to enjoy them now, while they still want to spend time with me.  I'm so grateful for their love and their health.  They are a gift I treasure, especially when I remember to be present to what's important in my life now.  I want to go snuggle with each of them right now, but I need to finish up wrapping up their Christmas surprises.  I'll close with a few shots of their sweet faces.

So much love in my life!

Beautiful Day

The gray lifted and morning broke golden on a happy blue-sky day today, and it was truly a fitting start.  I couldn't be happier on any day as I am on this day, my birthday, and the day I heard some of the best news I've heard in a long time.  Amazing, if not miraculous news.

One of my dearest friends has been experiencing a serious family emergency this week, which came very close to being a complete and horrible tragedy.  His love, and the 28 year old mother of his 7 week old baby and first child, suffered a heart attack on Monday afternoon and went into a coma for over 24 hours.  On Tuesday, the neurologist and other medical staff shared a very poor prognosis after exhautive tests:  no brain activity. 


Many tears were shed, and my wonderful friend fell to the floor begging.  For those of us who love him, there were just no words to describe our grief on his behalf.  We held on to blind hope with very heavy hearts. 


Later on that same day, they allowed them finally to bring her baby into the room with her, and when that child cried, her mommy heard her and showed her first signs of awareness or existence in over 24 hours.  She woke up, even, and recognized people and could move her hands and feet.  She was not out of the woods,but this was truly a shocking 180 degree turnaround, and she's been slowly improving.  


Today, she came off the respirator and continues to show strong signs of improvement in all areas.  Her heart is significantly less swollen than when she entered the ER on Monday.  Without going into all details, here is the most important thing:  She appears (despite all odds given Monday) headed for a complete recovery.


There is nothing like a little perspective to remind you what's important in life, and no greater gift than to have your ardent wishes and loving prayers come true.  Really, there is no greater gift than love. 


 I'm extremely grateful this day. 

A Springtime Evening Break

After weeks of planning to move, packing to move, running multiple times to Goodwill and the dump, actually moving, and unpacking from the move - I’m still not completely settled in here in my new little house!  No matter - I decided to take a much needed break with my sweetheart this weekend, anyway.

Thanks to my friend Lars and his girls who came over and stayed overnight with my 3 kids, Scott and I were able to head out East to stay at his parents vacation house in Brightwood, near Mt. Hood.  On the way out, we made an impromptu stop at McMenamin’s Edgefield to walk the grounds and grab a meal and some drinks.  It’s always a great place to visit, full of interesting sights and sounds.  Last night was no exception.  There was a great Bluegrass style band playing outside in a large tent under the fully lit water tower and indigo sky, They were fantastic!

We both had our cameras with us, so we not only got to enjoy the food, drinks and music, but we got to capture shots of the glass blowers at work too, and also the gorgeous early Spring blooms at twilight.   What a treat!  I still have lots to learn, but I’m really enjoying the capabilities of this camera.  I took some photos at The Edgefield years ago, shortly before I met Scott, and I didn’t have near the flexibility with my little point and shoot.  Even in low light, I was able to capture some nice images this time.  Scott took the one of me. 

If you hold your cursor over each picture, you can see the titles for each picture, and if you want to see them slightly larger, just double click on any of them. Enjoy!

Full Circle

Another company holiday party has come and gone.  I celebrated the season with others from my company at the Portland City Grill and it was a great time, with really delicious food and fantastic views of Portland from the 30th floor of  Bancorp Tower.  It's always fun to put on some fancy clothes and sit down for an elegant meal with the wonderful people I've worked with for the past three and a half years at Axium.  They are just delightful folks who collaborate well and share a passion for excellence and a commitment to our clients' success.  I guess I can be a bit of a sap, but I genuinely like just about every single person at Axium, and it never ceases to amaze me how warm I feel toward everyone during this time of the year when we take time to celebrate together.  It's fun to meet spouses and girlfriends, dates, life partners and friends of the people I spend so many hours a week with.  I like getting a chance to know my colleagues better by meeting and sharing conversation with their loved ones, and, well, I'm just a very social person at times.

Tonight I had my sweetheart with me, just as he's been with me at the last two holiday parties Axium's hosted.  This is not an unusual occurance at all.  Meeting and greeting my co-workers and friends is becoming old hat for him, I think, and people are definitely more familiar with him.  But I tell you what - three really must be a charm, because I felt uncommonly at peace and complete at this third party we've come to arm in arm.  Gone is the self-consciousness of showing up with someone new, like I did at our first party.  And I don't want to think too much about our conflicted hearts at last year's party, as we had reached an unpleasant and painful crossroads in our relationship.  It was a moment which marked the beginning of the end for that part of our relationship.  Though we remained close friends, we did part ways as a couple shortly after that holiday event last year.  We're fortunate to have found our way back to each other recently, armed with hindsight, personal reflection and growth, and a deep appreciation of each other that never really went away.

As I dressed and put on makeup tonight, feeling sparkly and full of happy anticipation for the night's events, my thoughts kept drifting to how alienated we had become a year ago, when our communication started missing and a rift grew between us.  I was and am keenly aware of the significance of this anniversary of sorts, but I am also very aware and very thankful for the growth we've both experienced since then.  I knew tonight would be a very different night than it was last year.  Tonight was very, very special.  For me, it felt like the closing of a circle - a circle protecting the peace, love and gratefulness I feel sharing my life with this darling man.  I'm no longer nitpicking, or resisting, or hiding any part of myself.  My heart is fully open, and I feel very much at home and contented.  It feels so good to finally be here.  Tis the season to give and recieve, and I feel I finally know how to do both of these things right.

Rekindled

I did tremble

under your long absent and familiar caress.

Purple fire seared my forgetful veins

and spiraled toward my naked and solicitous heart.

Flowers blossomed from my barren lips

and feasted happily on your sunshine.

They bloomed for a long vermillion moment

before wilting in the heat of our unquenched desire,

which I banked,

like a simmering coal

against the Winter of your indecision.



I tremble now you’ve returned to me -

to my heart laid bare,

my open hearth.

That brilliant ember blazes anew,

and I tremble.

I quake.



Do fan the fire,

Love,

but not to ash.

Fan the fire, my Love,

but make it last.