Sunday, March 24, 2013

Something to Anticipate!

Just when I needed a pick-me-up, it has come in a big way.  Shellie was invited on a week-long group ride with some fun, upbeat friends of hers and she, with her awesome, bad-ass self, asked if I could go too. They gave her an enthusiastic "Bring her!" for an answer! 

Yesterday around mid-day, she and I took off in her jeep and headed to Redmond where a couple, who go on this yearly ride, hosted the "Night of the Ride Party."  This is when all the friends who ride and their spouses and significant others come together and decide when and where they are going.  Then when the planning is over, they break out videos of past rides, enjoy food and drinks and have a great time. So, I got to drive out over the mountain and into Central Oregon's high desert beauty with my girlfriend, chatting all the while and catching up, and then I got to be a part of planning a fantastic trip.  I could not be more excited about the upcoming ride we're all going on in August!  Up the coast and then over into the Canadian Rockies!  Are you kidding me!?  I can't wait!! And perhaps the best part is the people.  They are all so warm and fun and completely inviting and inclusive.  Just a great bunch of people.  The videos have me pumped up. Shellie and I can look forward to sharing another spectacular memory for sure. She's right - this will be the ride of our lives so far. I'm so lucky to have my adventurous girlfiend!

Here are some scenery pics from the Redmond trip this weekend.  After the picture of Mt. Hood, which I took on the way there, the first several pics were taken on Michael and Stacy's property in Redmond.  Then we stopped at Smith Rock and I took a few other shots on the way home!  (Remember, to see a larger version of a picture, just double-click on it!)



Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Commitment and Change

I thought I would write more during this hiatus from my big social media time-suck, Facebook, but I haven't.  Has more to do with me than with true busy-ness.  I've just not felt like writing.  There are so many things I could write about, but when I start to do it, I can't find the words.  Then again, I don't try very hard to find them.  It's as though I don't want them to be found.  I can be very noncommital that way.

I have to laugh, because I have just been reminded how true that is about myself in general.  I'm so very noncommital.  I have long been aware that I struggle to commit to relationships.  And though I can easily point out that there have been good reasons to walk away from the ones I tried to commit to,  I've known I'd struggle regardless of the circumstance, and that has pained me some.  Today it's a dull pain, since I am less eager to beat myself about the head and shoulders for being who I am than I was when I was younger.   Acceptance of self can turn you into a bit of an asshole it seems.  Take me or leave me.  I am who I am.  Ha!  Yes, I know my singular self.  Still, knowing myself so well frees me to shine brighter in the areas where I do shine.  I don't feel like polishing those characteristics now, though.  I just have to laugh and look closely for a moment at just how my resistance to commitment affects so much more than my status of being serially single.

Of course I've known this for a long time, but sometimes I get a plain and glaring reminder, just as I did as I started to write this post.  As soon as I typed out the word "noncommital" with regards to writing, I knew that I was seeing a truth about my nature, and a possible answer for how to write more. Usually I need to talk to have a sharp epiphany like that.  Hmm....writing is like talking, as I'd hoped.  I should try harder to commit to it, because I'm tired of talking, really.  Tired of hearing myself.  Tired of giving people ammunition against me, too.  I want to seek my own council more.

I have been finding (or rediscovering) ways to satisfy my mind outside of Facebook.  It's so nice to read books again.  I've read a memoir about a couple who went sailing when the chicks left the nest, a novel about heartbreak and revenge which used food as a vehicle to tell the story and I am reading Guns, Germs and Steel in between it all.  I'm about to start a Toni Morrison novel. I'm sort of resistant, though.  I feel like I will somehow be going backwards to read Toni Morrison, though I know she's great.  It's just that I read so much of her and other Black American Women writers when I was in college and for awhile afterward, that I'm having a hard time getting excited.  I've enjoyed some movies and definitely got hung up on Downton Abby along with the rest of the women I know apparently, but it's a temporary lull in my appetite for something to engage my senses.  Lately I seem to want something to really shake me up.

That's about as true as anything I could possibly say.  I absolutely want something to shake me up.  Losing my job at Axium started that.  It shook me up alright, but I couldn't act on it the way I would have liked.  I wanted to fully embrace that change.  Every fiber of my being wanted to go toward a much simpler lifestyle after that painful 2 year long professional breakup.  I wanted to head back to Alaska or down to Mexico or off on a sailboat.  I wanted to capitalize on the change in my circumstance and fully embrace it.  Instead, I found another job, and a boring one at that.  It's anti-climatic.  It's deadening to my senses.  But I have to be here right now.  I have children to finish raising, and I don't believe they want a shake-up as much as I do.  Stella surely does not want any shake-up at all.

So I stifle the fires of my passion for change and newness and my desire to embrace a simpler  and wholly different existence.  I bank those coals while I wait for a better time, a more obvious opportunity to feed the flames.  I fan them occasionally with a motorcycle ride, or a lover's tryst, or an impetuous purchase.  The motorcycle is good therapy, but my other attempts to quell my current anxiety and feelings of stagnation only complicate things in a negative way.  I should stick to books and movies.  heh.

For now, I will sit with these thoughts.  Maybe I'll elaborate later.  Maybe not.  I can't commit.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013


I read this from Allison Krauss on Google+ today and thought, "Yes.  Always."

On the borderline of love again,
It's bound to make you pay
On the borderline, we'll make our stand,
Then watch it fall away