Newness

I disappeared for a long time, but I feel the need to write again.  To have some sort of document of my thoughts...of my days.

There is so much new, even as much remains too much the same.  I've started a new job, though it's still in sales.  I like that I'm working downtown.  I've yet to see if this job will excite me as much as my first several years at Axium did, but I have new challenges and I want to rise to them.  I love working in downtown Portland, and I like that it's not as demanding a job, because it frees me up to give some attention to my family and to a new pursuit.

I'm going to play the bass guitar.  I bought one for myself for Christmas, and I'm hiring a friend of mine to teach me.  He is a really good bass player, and teaches at Apple Music downtown, so that's convenient for me.  I start lessons this coming Wednesday!  I know I need goals in order to progress at anything, so I've set a goal to be able to play at a public blues jam by the end of 2013.  Duff's Garage,  I'll be playing more than the washboard on your stage soon! 

Since I'll be getting off at 3:30 from this new job, I'll also be able to ride my motorcycle a bit more this coming Summer.  Can't wait.  I've put around 10,500 miles on it since I bought it in October of 2011, and I am still crazy about riding.  I need to ride a little less, so I can get some hikes in this year.  (last year I hiked very little because of my little Suzuki)  But, still...it's just so much fun, and I'm looking forward to doing a big group ride this year out to Hell's Canyon. 

Other newness:  living in yet another house in pretty much the same neighborhood.  I don't think I'll stay here past a year, though.  I don't like it.  It's on the North side of a hill, and it has no character.  Besides that, the dishwasher is crappy, and the water pressure is terrible throughout the house.  It costs too much to live here, especially considering all that this place lacks in charm and basic functioning.  I'm thinking about buying.  We'll see.

I'm still single, but there is some newness in my love life.  Just nothing I can relax into.  And my heart has been very confused.  I've been struggling with a moral dilemma.  Usually, I don't have a hard time doing the "right" thing.  Usually.  This time I'm struggling with what is actually right.  No...I'm not.  Not really.  *sigh*

Also, I'm in touch with an old love from way, way back in time.  He reaches out to me, which is surprising.  I never thought he would be one to do that.  Yet he does. I enjoy being in touch with him.  It painless and kind of fun.  And he's too far away for either of us to start having wishful thoughts.  Safe.  Flattering.  Comfortable...

And yet, I long for something safe, exciting and comfortable and HERE.  Something I don't have to feel conflicted about.  But as tired as I get of being alone, I struggle with the idea of giving up any of my freedom.  Why am I always so conflicted?  I think too much, I think.

I feel clumsy writing today.  I will probably feel that way for awhile, but I will keep writing till the edges become smoother and my ideas flow more readily.  I'll post pictures and tell stories.  I'll find my voice again.  It's not new for me to want to write, but sometimes it's a new effort.  I'm ready to put forth that effort now.