Balance and a Perfect V

I feel so good today.  I wrestled with some personal demons last night, and came out victorious.  I enjoyed a playful online interaction with my 12 year old niece yesterday evening, and that helped bring some joy back into my heart, and remind me of what's really important to me in my life.  Laughter is a very good and healing gift we humans have!  It lifted me out of my dark mood and helped me find some equilibrium.

I'm content with work here at year-end, too.  I started out so strong this year for the first half of the the year, and then had a very disappointing 3rd quarter in sales, which was tough on my confidence, and my pocketbook.  Things were difficult and financially tight as the kids were starting school.  It was a tough time, which happened when other difficult changes were happening in my life.  Included in the difficulties were some significant changes at work, which I had to adjust to.  I felt so off-balance and flailing at a critical time coming into this last quarter of the year.  For many reasons, including my own lack of focus, I just didn't see myself having the monster 4th quarter that I typically have and that I needed to hit my yearly numbers. 

I'm proud to say that I went deep into myself and addressed  some issues which were causing me to lose sight of my goals, put them to rest.   I was able to stay relaxed, calm and confident in my abilities - to close out the year strong!  I easily hit my quota for the year and am now over my 4th quarter quota and made it to the yearly bonus number as well.  I still have one last deal coming in today for another $24K.  I'm sitting pretty and feeling good about having some money to put into the bank.

As important to me as the revenue I've been able to generate for my company and make for myself and my family, are the relationships I've built and the way I've conducted myself in my dealings.  It feels good to help them, knowing that we will be a great choice to help them improve their business, but also to know that I can negotiate deals that feel good for us all.  I am much better at standing firm when it's important that I do, and I've earned the respect of my clients in the process. 

One of the best things I've heard all year was when a CEO of a firm who recently purchased our software after an intense negotiation, called me to tell me a couple of days ago, "I have enjoyed doing business with you, and am looking forward to a long relationship between our companies.  I want you to know that you do good work and are an asset to your company."  It made my week to hear that from a man who came to this country with nothing and found great success.  All the work that I've put in the be more self-directed and to rely less on my boss's feedback to know I'm doing well has paid off, and this new client's gesture was for me a symbol of my newfound confidence in myself.  He spoke to me with respect and with warmth, and it went straight to my heart.  All the money in the world would not make me happy, but to earn a living, while also helping people and developing good relationships - that completes the circle for me, and it's no wonder I almost never wake up thinking, "I don't want to go to work."

Just as I was sitting here thinking on the year's ups and downs, and my own failures and successes, feeling content that I'm still able to find some balance while striving to grow and better myself, I looked out my window to see a perfect V formation of geese flying just slightly above me, but very close.  I could see the colors of their individual feathers.   They were equidistant from each other - and just perfectly aligned.  It was a beautiful sight.  I've never seen a more perfect looking formation of geese.  And then, as they flew into the distance I saw them regroup, losing that perfect line in the process. 

Just as I know those geese in transition will achieve a perfectly balanced formation again, I know I will falter and  regain balance again myself.  This coming year will be filled with tears and laughter, darkness and light, good times and bad - and I will be able to find  balance overall.

Low Key Celebration

I’m sitting here in my work cubicle at 6:45 on a Friday evening here at the end of the month, pulling on a Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, listening to the Plasiticenes, perusing photo blogs and occasionally laughing at my boss’s conversation a few feet behind me.  Yeah, he had to work late, too - and he’s enjoying the beer, too.  I’m not even sad that I’ve missed the Floating Glass Balls at the Laurelthirst this evening, even though I was looking forward to hanging out with Andrew and the guys.  No, I’m actually quite pleased with everything right here and right now.  I’m enjoying the really fine feeling of knowing that at 375% of my monthly quota, I have already hit and surpassed my quarterly quota, and it’s only January.  I’m in bonus territory and everything I sell from here until the end of the quarter is worth twice as much to me as it would be worth if I were not over the quarterly number.  I’ve never been here before in any quarter, much less January.  It’s a superb way to start out the year, I tell ya.

I like today.

Good things happened today.  I am too excited to put a lot of thought into how I express what was good, so I will just blurt it all out as it comes.

I've been frustrated about the disingenous way the principal of a firm I've been working with has been communicating and dealing with me in terms of the actions he has taken to stall out our "deal.".  I've been approaching the sales process with him with a very "win/win" attitude, like I typically do, and have been thwarted by his unmet promises and "win/lose" tactics.  It's been very frustrating.  It bothers me to take someone at their word and move forward with what I believe is their best interest and our own at heart, only to find they have been holding out on me and manipulating the situation.  He has cost me a significant amount of money by stalling this deal past the end of year deadline we agreed upon,  and almost more importantly to me,  he cost me a slight loss of face with people whose opinions matter to me, when he didn't do what he said he would.  Based on his answers to my questions about whether I had met their needs and they were ready to move forward, I led my boss and the owner of my company to believe we had a deal they could count on.  Luckily the people I work with understand my integrity and follow through, and they trust that I met my end of the bargain and asked all the right questions.  Still, it bothers me to be so disrespected in a business transaction when I've shown such good faith and gone beyond the normal effort to get them what they need to feel comfortable moving forward with us.

So what is so good about all of this?!  Well, I had the opportunity today to say "NO".  "NO" we do not feel comfortable moving forward with a firm whose leadership does not trust us.  "No" I do not want to compromise our integrity by giving into unfair demands that we change our license agreement to meet their lack of faith in us.  "NO." 

But I softened it by saying also that I'm sorry I've let them down.  Surely I wasn't doing my job if they feel they can't move forward in a deal because they don't trust us.  I've dropped the ball somehow if they don't have a much confidence as I do that we can meet their needs and will treat them fairly.  I wish I could have better earned their confidence, I told him. 

Well, I tried to tell him anyway.  He stopped me in mid apology to say, (and I parphrase) "No, no - please don't take this personally - I don't doubt your integrity, or the good faith your CEO has shown.  We simply have had too many bad experiences with businesses who don't do business this way, and have adopted overzealous practices in analyzing deals.  I would like to take time with my staff to see if we can move forward with what you offer and will call you tomorrow.  Please don't take our methods personally.  You have shown good faith.

I expect to have this deal tomorrow, but even if I don't, I feel we have won. 

It was indeed a good day.

Milestones

Sitting here at the start of 2010, desirous to reach out toward new goals and fresh milestones, I feel a bit thwarted by unfinished business which belongs, really, with the passing year.  I'm very happy to say I reached my yearly sales quota and qualified for the big kicker which will mean a much more financially secure 2010 for me.  Still there is a large promised check still out there from one of the firms who has promised to move forward with our product.  Our accountant has agreed to hold the sale in 2009 if - and only if - they actually fax or email the check on Monday, January 4th like they promised.  She also expects to receive the real check within the week.  It would mean quite a bit more money to me if it were counted in 2009 - and so I am eager to see if they will be good to their word, and that's what has me feeling like I have unfinished business.  It's a strange and anti-climactic feeling to be waiting on this final bit of business, and I'm truly ready to be done with the stress of the last couple of months.  It has exhausted me and my energy for things I'd also like to focus on, like my family, writing and planning for the new year.  Of course I am relieved to have hit the number I needed to hit, but I find it a tad irksome to still be without final closure in that regard.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow to find out just exactly what kind of closure I will have.  It's nice to know it will be either very, very good, or it will be phenomenal!

It's funny how my job so parallels life.  Here at the start of a new year I, like most people, think about new goals and fresh starts.  About what I want to achieve, how I want to be different or better, and what I will continue to nurture.  Sales is so like that.  I sit down at the beginning of each month, each quarter and especially each new year and I think about what I achieved in the past.  I think about how I have managed accounts, about what worked well, and what I could do better.  I take stock of how much I've learned about our software and what I want to be able to better show my customers.  I start planning for the next month, quarter or year, and how I want to become more competent.  Some of it is out of my hands, as I don't set my quotas and can't control what my territory will be.  I do know what I've done well, and what I could be better at personally, and I have grown more confident about my unique abilities and what I can actually achieve and contribute as a senior person on our little sales team.   I'm ready to really own my position at work, just as I am ready to jump into 2010 with gusto and confidence about what I have to offer in my personal life.

I continue to be thankful for the opportunity afforded me by this company I work for.  As I strive to improve what I do for them, I am also improving what I can do for myself and my family.  I am now in a much better financial position to be even more independent than I've been since I started working nearly four years ago, several months after I left my unhealthy marriage.  I'm also better set up to take care of some important business of closure with regards to that time.  Personal milestones will be met and new, more exciting ones set.  Like in my job, I won't be able to control everything that happens, but I know what tools I have at my disposal to use when I need them. 

I like where I am today.  I've got all I need to continue to pursue a very satisfying life.  I'm fortunate to have my precious loved ones, my good health and a good paying job that I enjoy.  I don't want to squander the opportunity that comes with this current balance and good fortune.  I want to apply the strategy we use in sales of setting goals and milestones, both short term and long, to this upcoming year and decade.  I haven't done it fully yet, because I'm still hung up a little on 2009, but I plan to sit down very soon and really priortize my personal goals and figure out how I can meet them.  I never want to quit striving to live in and appreciate the current moment, because I'm convinced the journey truly is far more important than the destination.  But I wish for this moment to flow easily in the next one, and then the next  moment and then the one after that.  I wish for that flow, which I know will ebb from time to time, to continue forward and become more full - so that I can share more joy and ease more pain in this good life.

Balls in the air...

I follow a few blogs and notice that I'm not the only one who finds it hard to sit down and write during this festive and busy season.  I either don't have much to say or I just don't have the energy to say it.  I'm betting the latter.  My mind has just been overwhelmed this year-end.  By intensity at work.  By seasonal parental duties.  By social gatherings.  By a renewed relationship.  By travel.  By thoughts of the new year and what I want to accomplish.   There has been some stress, yes.  And lots of really good, too.  But LOTS is the key word.  I can't even blog about it with any sense of what I want to say.  I'm just too jumbled.

Full Circle

Another company holiday party has come and gone.  I celebrated the season with others from my company at the Portland City Grill and it was a great time, with really delicious food and fantastic views of Portland from the 30th floor of  Bancorp Tower.  It's always fun to put on some fancy clothes and sit down for an elegant meal with the wonderful people I've worked with for the past three and a half years at Axium.  They are just delightful folks who collaborate well and share a passion for excellence and a commitment to our clients' success.  I guess I can be a bit of a sap, but I genuinely like just about every single person at Axium, and it never ceases to amaze me how warm I feel toward everyone during this time of the year when we take time to celebrate together.  It's fun to meet spouses and girlfriends, dates, life partners and friends of the people I spend so many hours a week with.  I like getting a chance to know my colleagues better by meeting and sharing conversation with their loved ones, and, well, I'm just a very social person at times.

Tonight I had my sweetheart with me, just as he's been with me at the last two holiday parties Axium's hosted.  This is not an unusual occurance at all.  Meeting and greeting my co-workers and friends is becoming old hat for him, I think, and people are definitely more familiar with him.  But I tell you what - three really must be a charm, because I felt uncommonly at peace and complete at this third party we've come to arm in arm.  Gone is the self-consciousness of showing up with someone new, like I did at our first party.  And I don't want to think too much about our conflicted hearts at last year's party, as we had reached an unpleasant and painful crossroads in our relationship.  It was a moment which marked the beginning of the end for that part of our relationship.  Though we remained close friends, we did part ways as a couple shortly after that holiday event last year.  We're fortunate to have found our way back to each other recently, armed with hindsight, personal reflection and growth, and a deep appreciation of each other that never really went away.

As I dressed and put on makeup tonight, feeling sparkly and full of happy anticipation for the night's events, my thoughts kept drifting to how alienated we had become a year ago, when our communication started missing and a rift grew between us.  I was and am keenly aware of the significance of this anniversary of sorts, but I am also very aware and very thankful for the growth we've both experienced since then.  I knew tonight would be a very different night than it was last year.  Tonight was very, very special.  For me, it felt like the closing of a circle - a circle protecting the peace, love and gratefulness I feel sharing my life with this darling man.  I'm no longer nitpicking, or resisting, or hiding any part of myself.  My heart is fully open, and I feel very much at home and contented.  It feels so good to finally be here.  Tis the season to give and recieve, and I feel I finally know how to do both of these things right.

Making Hay!

It's definitely the time of year for me to bring in a bunch of business and today I've kicked things off in my territory with a $42K software sale to a firm in Seattle.  My target market, to boot! I've got 3 more committed firms, 2 more who are looking really good and and a few extra "maybe"s.  Things are finally lining up after a few lean weeks, and lots of nagging worry.   Things can get stressful in sales, especially when you really think about how much rides on you bringing in new revenue, but when it starts coming in, it is a blast!  I especially love it when my new client is so excited about moving forward.  Tells me I've done a thorough job of helping them through the evaluation process. 

Woo Hoo - bring it on!  It's time to CLOSE!