Something to Anticipate!

Just when I needed a pick-me-up, it has come in a big way.  Shellie was invited on a week-long group ride with some fun, upbeat friends of hers and she, with her awesome, bad-ass self, asked if I could go too. They gave her an enthusiastic "Bring her!" for an answer! 

Yesterday around mid-day, she and I took off in her jeep and headed to Redmond where a couple, who go on this yearly ride, hosted the "Night of the Ride Party."  This is when all the friends who ride and their spouses and significant others come together and decide when and where they are going.  Then when the planning is over, they break out videos of past rides, enjoy food and drinks and have a great time. So, I got to drive out over the mountain and into Central Oregon's high desert beauty with my girlfriend, chatting all the while and catching up, and then I got to be a part of planning a fantastic trip.  I could not be more excited about the upcoming ride we're all going on in August!  Up the coast and then over into the Canadian Rockies!  Are you kidding me!?  I can't wait!! And perhaps the best part is the people.  They are all so warm and fun and completely inviting and inclusive.  Just a great bunch of people.  The videos have me pumped up. Shellie and I can look forward to sharing another spectacular memory for sure. She's right - this will be the ride of our lives so far. I'm so lucky to have my adventurous girlfiend!

Here are some scenery pics from the Redmond trip this weekend.  After the picture of Mt. Hood, which I took on the way there, the first several pics were taken on Michael and Stacy's property in Redmond.  Then we stopped at Smith Rock and I took a few other shots on the way home!  (Remember, to see a larger version of a picture, just double-click on it!)

 

 

Commitment and Change

I thought I would write more during this hiatus from my big social media time-suck, Facebook, but I haven't.  Has more to do with me than with true busy-ness.  I've just not felt like writing.  There are so many things I could write about, but when I start to do it, I can't find the words.  Then again, I don't try very hard to find them.  It's as though I don't want them to be found.  I can be very noncommital that way.

I have to laugh, because I have just been reminded how true that is about myself in general.  I'm so very noncommital.  I have long been aware that I struggle to commit to relationships.  And though I can easily point out that there have been good reasons to walk away from the ones I tried to commit to,  I've known I'd struggle regardless of the circumstance, and that has pained me some.  Today it's a dull pain, since I am less eager to beat myself about the head and shoulders for being who I am than I was when I was younger.   Acceptance of self can turn you into a bit of an asshole it seems.  Take me or leave me.  I am who I am.  Ha!  Yes, I know my singular self.  Still, knowing myself so well frees me to shine brighter in the areas where I do shine.  I don't feel like polishing those characteristics now, though.  I just have to laugh and look closely for a moment at just how my resistance to commitment affects so much more than my status of being serially single.

Of course I've known this for a long time, but sometimes I get a plain and glaring reminder, just as I did as I started to write this post.  As soon as I typed out the word "noncommital" with regards to writing, I knew that I was seeing a truth about my nature, and a possible answer for how to write more. Usually I need to talk to have a sharp epiphany like that.  Hmm....writing is like talking, as I'd hoped.  I should try harder to commit to it, because I'm tired of talking, really.  Tired of hearing myself.  Tired of giving people ammunition against me, too.  I want to seek my own council more.

I have been finding (or rediscovering) ways to satisfy my mind outside of Facebook.  It's so nice to read books again.  I've read a memoir about a couple who went sailing when the chicks left the nest, a novel about heartbreak and revenge which used food as a vehicle to tell the story and I am reading Guns, Germs and Steel in between it all.  I'm about to start a Toni Morrison novel. I'm sort of resistant, though.  I feel like I will somehow be going backwards to read Toni Morrison, though I know she's great.  It's just that I read so much of her and other Black American Women writers when I was in college and for awhile afterward, that I'm having a hard time getting excited.  I've enjoyed some movies and definitely got hung up on Downton Abby along with the rest of the women I know apparently, but it's a temporary lull in my appetite for something to engage my senses.  Lately I seem to want something to really shake me up.

That's about as true as anything I could possibly say.  I absolutely want something to shake me up.  Losing my job at Axium started that.  It shook me up alright, but I couldn't act on it the way I would have liked.  I wanted to fully embrace that change.  Every fiber of my being wanted to go toward a much simpler lifestyle after that painful 2 year long professional breakup.  I wanted to head back to Alaska or down to Mexico or off on a sailboat.  I wanted to capitalize on the change in my circumstance and fully embrace it.  Instead, I found another job, and a boring one at that.  It's anti-climatic.  It's deadening to my senses.  But I have to be here right now.  I have children to finish raising, and I don't believe they want a shake-up as much as I do.  Stella surely does not want any shake-up at all.

So I stifle the fires of my passion for change and newness and my desire to embrace a simpler  and wholly different existence.  I bank those coals while I wait for a better time, a more obvious opportunity to feed the flames.  I fan them occasionally with a motorcycle ride, or a lover's tryst, or an impetuous purchase.  The motorcycle is good therapy, but my other attempts to quell my current anxiety and feelings of stagnation only complicate things in a negative way.  I should stick to books and movies.  heh.

For now, I will sit with these thoughts.  Maybe I'll elaborate later.  Maybe not.  I can't commit.

Borderline

I read this from Allison Krauss on Google+ today and thought, "Yes.  Always."

Alison Krauss

Feb 28, 2013 (edited)  -  Public

On the borderline of love again,
It's bound to make you pay
On the borderline, we'll make our stand,
Then watch it fall away

They like me! They really like me!

Channeling my inner Sally Fields a bit.  :)

Just a blurb to say I've gotten multiple emails from folks who have noticed me gone off Facebook, but didn't, apparently see my posts about taking a break.  These folks have reached out to see if I'm okay and to let me know I'm missed.  Sweet. And the people who have are people whose attention is flattering.  Artists I've met online and befriended, old friends I have always admired.  It's nice to know people miss you when you're gone.

Experimental Cold Turkey

A friend inspired me when she said she was giving up Facebook for Lent.  She's not Catholic, nor is she even religious - which is much like myself.  Also like myself, she was feeling that Facebook was becoming (had become, actually!) a time-sink.  Other projects, interests and duties were falling by the wayside.  Living in New Orleans now, at the onset of the carnival season and Mardi Gras, she decided to join all the local Catholics and purge for a few weeks.  Being from Louisiana, and needing some structure for my desire to break free of my obsession with Facebook, I see the sense in that, and am doing the same.    I'm also acting on another of her great ideas, and I'm going to journal about what I accomplish and experience during this hiatus from my biggest social media addiction.

Today is day one of the experiment.  It's been a good day, already ripe with good experiences, and including some ostensibly predictable side effects.

Before describing my day further, though, I want to list out some of the things on my todo and what if lists:

• Read Books!  My attention span has been so dimished by the internet and social media, that I don't sit down and read books anymore.  I fidget and re-read the first paragraph over an over, till I finally give  up and get on Facebook.  No more.  Have removed FB temporarily will make myself read until I thoroughly enjoy it like the days of old.  I have been wanting to read Guns, Germs and Steel, and have already picked that up at Powell's today - but more on that later...
• Learn Spanish!  Have wanted to for years, because I want to travel to Spain and spend at least 3 weeks there, engaging deeply in the culture.  I bought Rosetta Stone for European Spanish last week, and I LOVE it.  Now I have more time to spend on it!
• Learn bass guitar!  I bought myself a bass guitar for Christmas, because playing bass is an old bucket list item that I finally want to act on.  Have set a goal to be able to jam at Duff's Garage's Blues Jam by the end of 2013.
• Spend more time with my children! - hiking, playing games, CLEANING HOUSE, cooking, etc...  Annie, in particular, needs time with me, and I with her, so I'm looking forward to letting her in on the Rosetta Stone Spanish secret, since she has been wanting to learn Spanish to.  It's something we can enjoy together!
• Ride my motorcycle!  (not that I ever seem to struggle with making time for that)
• Hike and backpack! - I need to prepare, so getting out and walking locally in the hills in my neighborhood will make for a much better trip (or 2 or 3) this Summer.
• Plan meals and cook!  I've started the Atkins diet, and am in the process of losing weight and getting healthier.  I need to spend less money and also make this a lifetime change, so I need to start cooking again, and making sure I have the right food on hand to be succesful.  I want to start cooking ahead.  I also want to include Annie, since she likes to cook and wants to spend time with me.  Added bonus:  I think the right diet might help Annie with some of the behavioral and health problems we experience with her.  
• Clean and organize my house!  I still haven't unpacked all the boxes from my last move, or gotten the right furniture and storage in place.  My room is in disarray, because of the lack of closet space and the piles of crap everywhere.  I NEED to change that - for my mental health alone.
• Write!  I keep meaning to blog more...to get my creative juices flowing.  Doesn't happen when I'm on Facebook and the minutes turn to hours.  I need to do more of THIS in order to get better at it.

So, there are many of the projects left mostly unattended at least in part because of my time-wasting on Facebook.  I'm very excited about this change, and I look forward to the side-effects I have even thought of yet, because I'm certain I will experience some.  Just today, during work and my lunch break, I found that I'm already reaping the benefits.

For example, I was able to come in, sit down and focus.  I got more quality work done this morning in a shorter span of time.  I will progress and be more succesful in my new job at this rate.

Also, my lunch break was great today!  I decided to walk to Powells (I totally love working downtown!) and buy Guns, Germs and Steel.  What a great decision.  I enjoyed the walk even more than I might have if I hadn't given up Facebook.  Had I made this same trip yesterday, a good part of my trip would be spent glancing down at my phone as I scanned Facebook for something interesting.  Instead,  I walked, shoulders back and eyes up, enjoying the sights, and making eye contact with people.  There were smiles and nods and REAL interactions with real LIVE people!  I saw people waking adorable pups, who squirmed all over the place trying to make new friends, and children in super-hero attire.  I saw a man making his baby laugh in a coffee shop window, and we shared broad grins.  I noticed the architecture and made note of where things are in relation to my office, broadening my familiarity of downtown.  

And then, I did what has been so hard.  After grabbing my lunch at a Thai food cart, I went back to my office and ate - and read the intro and prologue of Guns, Germs and Steel.  My monkey mind acted up, but I perservered.  The effort was made easier by having one less very noisy distraction.  I can't wait to get into first chapter before bed tonight!    So far no FB is a big YES toward achieving my goals!

One side-effect - not necessarily a good one is that I have started playing with Instagram more.  It's like FB light, so I feel like I'm cheating.  But, as my daughter says, it's simpler, and it might be fun way to quickly document and share things I see along the way.  I just can't let it replace FB as a time-sink.

More later!

Newness

I disappeared for a long time, but I feel the need to write again.  To have some sort of document of my thoughts...of my days.

There is so much new, even as much remains too much the same.  I've started a new job, though it's still in sales.  I like that I'm working downtown.  I've yet to see if this job will excite me as much as my first several years at Axium did, but I have new challenges and I want to rise to them.  I love working in downtown Portland, and I like that it's not as demanding a job, because it frees me up to give some attention to my family and to a new pursuit.

I'm going to play the bass guitar.  I bought one for myself for Christmas, and I'm hiring a friend of mine to teach me.  He is a really good bass player, and teaches at Apple Music downtown, so that's convenient for me.  I start lessons this coming Wednesday!  I know I need goals in order to progress at anything, so I've set a goal to be able to play at a public blues jam by the end of 2013.  Duff's Garage,  I'll be playing more than the washboard on your stage soon! 

Since I'll be getting off at 3:30 from this new job, I'll also be able to ride my motorcycle a bit more this coming Summer.  Can't wait.  I've put around 10,500 miles on it since I bought it in October of 2011, and I am still crazy about riding.  I need to ride a little less, so I can get some hikes in this year.  (last year I hiked very little because of my little Suzuki)  But, still...it's just so much fun, and I'm looking forward to doing a big group ride this year out to Hell's Canyon. 

Other newness:  living in yet another house in pretty much the same neighborhood.  I don't think I'll stay here past a year, though.  I don't like it.  It's on the North side of a hill, and it has no character.  Besides that, the dishwasher is crappy, and the water pressure is terrible throughout the house.  It costs too much to live here, especially considering all that this place lacks in charm and basic functioning.  I'm thinking about buying.  We'll see.

I'm still single, but there is some newness in my love life.  Just nothing I can relax into.  And my heart has been very confused.  I've been struggling with a moral dilemma.  Usually, I don't have a hard time doing the "right" thing.  Usually.  This time I'm struggling with what is actually right.  No...I'm not.  Not really.  *sigh*

Also, I'm in touch with an old love from way, way back in time.  He reaches out to me, which is surprising.  I never thought he would be one to do that.  Yet he does. I enjoy being in touch with him.  It painless and kind of fun.  And he's too far away for either of us to start having wishful thoughts.  Safe.  Flattering.  Comfortable...

And yet, I long for something safe, exciting and comfortable and HERE.  Something I don't have to feel conflicted about.  But as tired as I get of being alone, I struggle with the idea of giving up any of my freedom.  Why am I always so conflicted?  I think too much, I think.

I feel clumsy writing today.  I will probably feel that way for awhile, but I will keep writing till the edges become smoother and my ideas flow more readily.  I'll post pictures and tell stories.  I'll find my voice again.  It's not new for me to want to write, but sometimes it's a new effort.  I'm ready to put forth that effort now.

10:49 pm on Wednesday

I should be sleeping.
Instead of worrying.
Instead of longing.
Instead of wishing to simply slip over into  greener pastures
and bluer skies.

I should be resting.
Healing.
Preparing.
Making ready for that moment things change for the better.

I should be here, now.
In this moment, I should plant myself. 
Firmly.
And with conviction.

Moments are passing,
which won't return.

I should be present and mindful.
Not weakened by distraction.

But I keep racing into the future.
To manicured hillsides
and unruly curls.

How will I ever get there if I'm not here first?

I should be sleeping.
I will go now, deeply.
And leave the future to my dreams.

Europe, finally!

Traveling is very important to me at this point in my life.  My kids are still somewhat young, but I'm not as young, and there are things I want to see and do while I'm still healthy and active.  I don't want to wait till they are grown, because so many things can change.  Life really is NOW. 

I've always desired to travel, of course, and I've done a little travelling, but too many years have passed without me actually going to my dream destination:  Europe.  I've longed to go and experience the sights and history there since I was a young girl, but just haven't worked it out to get there as of yet.  Spain has always held a particular appeal for me, because I am so drawn by the passion and pathos of their culture, which is so evident in their music and dance.  I've mentioned many times how I love Flamenco.  I almost went to Spain back in 1994, but I took a 3 month train trip around the United States instead.  I then planned to go to Spain in 2011, but my sales early in the year prevented that trip. 

Now, here at the start of 2012, and after finishing 2011 strongly, I'm prepared to make a trip.  But, surprisingly, not to Spain!  Quite an opposite kind of place, really (but maybe I should withold any judgement until I get there.)  I'm going to ... Switzerland!  Life is funny in that it really surprises you sometimes.  This time the surprise came through a friend I met many years ago in Homer, AK.  Sabine Schatterling and I met when she was visiting AK.  We became friends and traveled to Anchorage to see Stevie Ray Vaughn not long before he was killed in a airplane crash.  We took mini adventures in my Jeep and enjoyed dancing together at the big end of Summer Homer/KBBI Concert on the Lawn.  She is part of my wonderful memories of that special place.  We reconnected on Facebook in 2009, and not long after that I became acquainted with another friend of hers who also holds fond memories of Homer.  His name is Remo Meyer, and he spent time in Homer after I left there.  I don't remember exactly how, but it was through Sabine on Facebook that he and I became acquainted.  He is a joyful, lively person who loves his dog, Kenai, and seems to enjoy experiencing life very fully and deeply.  I like him very well.  My friendship with him has grown over time and now I find myself eager to pay this delightful man a visit in his own country.  He says he is happy to host me, and I cannot wait to see this beautiful country and meet my friend in person!

Remo's home in the canton of St. Gallen

I will write more about my plans as they fully unfold.  I'm so happy to have something like this to look forward to in the coming months.  Life is so good!

Now...to get a passport!

My New Obsession

My thoughts about how to be present to enjoy life in the moment have alighted on something that should have been obvious to me a long time ago:   motorcycles make any trip an adventure, and I should have one!

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with the fun of motorcycles.  I grew up around them, because my dad always had a motorcycle.  Dad would travel across the country in a few days on his.  Really.  From California to Florida on a whim.  That's freedom!  Motorcycles satisified his need for a change of scene and made him feel more alive to just take off on his motorcycle. He identified himself by the style of bike he rode - which was always a Japanese-made performance bike of some kind.  Something with speed and power and good handling.  He loathed everything about a Harley, as he knew them back then:  always breaking down, loud for loud's sake, and not nimble on curvy roads.  Dad always wanted to go fast.

My Grandad always had a motorcycle, too.  In fact, I would ride his when I was a teenager.  It was a lot of fun, and I loved the thrill of it.  I can't remember what it was, exactly, but I think it was a Scrambler, and it looked a lot like this:

It could be ridden on and off road, and I used to ride it near our house in Durango, Colorado with out our neighbor, Eddie, who taught me to ride motorcross, too.  I raced once.  Just once.  And on a bigger bike than this, which was designed for motorcross.  That was scary!

I rode a few more times in my late teens and early 20's.  I remember riding a friend's motorcycle in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming, when I was on a day off from my lodge job there.  I was 18.  I didn't have a motorcycle endorsement on my license, and I don't even know if one was required back then in Wyoming.  I didn't even think about that.  I just went for a ride with the Tetons as the backdrop - gorgeous memories. 

A year or so later I rode dirt bikes when I was stationed at Eglin Air Force Base in the Air Force.  My friend, Bud, had a couple and he would take me out on the Eglin AFB reservation where we tore it up and had a blast.  The dirt was very sandy and there were lots of trees, which ended up being the disaster it sounds like it could be.  I slid out and lost control of the bike and went over the handlebars into a tree, and hurt my neck.  I didn't realize how badly till later that evening at a squadron dinner when I was in severe pain, and had to go to the hospital to be looked at.  I'm pretty sure that was the last time I rode a motorcycle on my own.  It's not that I was afraid.  Not at all.  I just never had my own, and didn't find myself in a position to ride one, other than on the back of someone else's.

This past Summer, my friend, Shellie invited me to meet her out at "Taco Wednesdays" at the Corner Saloon, where bikers gather every Wednesday to eat $1 tacos and drink beer and look at each other's bikes.  Shellie rides a Harley, so I initially wondered why I should go, since all I had to show up in was my Subaru Forester.  Shellie sold me on the idea that it was a fun bunch of people, and some other people I  knew would be there, who also didn't have bikes.  It wasn't a hard sell.  Shellie is always fun.  She's my adventure buddy!  So I headed over there, and had a great time.  One of Shellie's friends, a nice guy named Michael, asked me if I wanted to go for a ride.  Of course I was game, and hopped on back.  The weather was perfect for a ride, and it was just gorgeous out where we rode.  Rolling hills, blue skies, rural countryside.  I really enjoyed myself, and was sad when we had to head back.

My second invite of the evening came from the owner of a Triumph Bonneville I had been admiring, not realizing the owner was a few yards away watching me.  His name, as it turns out, was Brad.  Brad had just ridden back into Portland from Montana, where he has another home.  He was tired from that trip, so I was pretty surprised when he asked me if I wanted to take a ride.  I am so glad he did.  Riding as the sky is changing colors and the moon is rising is just spectacular on a late Summer's eve.  I became officially hooked, and started plotting how to have my own motorcyle. 

That was the end of August.  By October, I had taken the Motorcycle Safety Course offered through Team Oregon, and has purchased my first motorcycle.  I spent the weeks between that fateful evening ride and finally purchasing a bike, pouring through Craigslist looking for bikes that looked like the one I loved that my Grandfather owned.  I like that look of a Standard Japanese Sport bike of the late '60's and early '70's.  I also like the old Triumphs.  I just didn't really want an old bike, since I'm no mechanic, and I wanted something easy and reliable.  How disappointed I felt seeing all the newer models.  There are some nice looking bikes out there from the "crotch rockets" to the big old Harley Cruisers. They just weren't what I had my heart set on.  I considered a new Triumph, but they were spendy, and BIG for me.  Just too tall for this new rider.  I considered a Harley Sportster, but they are also big bikes, though I can put my feet down on the ground.  883ccs seemed like overkill for me, as a new rider, and I just wasn't completely in love with the style.  Call it sentimentalilty, but I wanted a bike that looked like James Dean or Marlon Brando should be sitting on it.  One late night, just when I thought I was going to have to settle until I was ready for one of the bigger Triumphs, when I came across a web article titled, Perfect Motorcycles for New Riders.  I opened it up and saw many of the bikes I had already considered.  Ho Hum.  Then, I saw this:

It was love at first sight!

Even better were all the great reviews about this little known bike, the Suzuki TU250X!  I found it got great gas mileage (70+ MPG), and is fuel injected!  No carburetors to mess with, just turn it on and hit the starter - vroom!  I'm just so happy to have found it and to own it.  It's only 326 lbs soaking wet, so I have no problem handling it, even at slower speeds and tight corners.  I love it's extra large, vintage headlight.  It is very responsive, because of the standard positioning of the front wheel (a physics thing)  There are just many, many reasons it's a great bike for me a new road rider.  I absolutely LOVE leaning into curves on this bike.  So dang fun! 

Riding in Autumn has been chilly, but very special.  New-mown hay fields smell wonderful, as do the apple orchards full of trees which are dropping over-ripe fruit to the ground.  The orchards are delightful, actually - fruity with a hint of wood and spices.  Can't explain it.  I never realized how many scents hang in the air like that, and how you just don't notice them in a car.  I enjoy smelling people's dinners cooking and laundry drying too.  Cow country is a little stinky though!   So far, those unpleasant whiffs of cow excrement have been brief.  Maybe it's the chill air. All I know is I love riding, and when I'm not riding I'm thinking about it.  And, I still love riding at sunset.  It's simply beautiful. 

I can hardly wait till Summer to take my motorcycle out on a trip out to Eastern Oregon to camp and shoot pictures.  The adventure will start the minute I leave the house!

I'm a little sad that the weather is more wintry now.  I rode in to work today, but even the light rain that was falling as I got closer to the office was unpleasant stinging my face.  Still, the minute it stopped, it was all worth it.  I  rode up toward Mount Hood on the weekend of my birthday, December 3rd.  I had considered going around the mountain, since the sun was shining, it was around 48 degrees in the valley, and it had been dry for a couple of days.  But by the time I stopped at Wraptitude in Welches to get something to eat, I knew I was turning around and heading back down.  Just too cold at that altitude!  I did take a picture of my motorcycle there.  It's the only one I've taken.  I've just not had my camera with me, or the battery in my cell phone has died when I think about it.  I don't know...I only want to ride and shooting pics isn't what I think about when I take off.  It's sort of a zen experience.  I'll surely write more about that.  For the time being, I'm just enjoying each moment I can be out there. 

Here's that one picture:

Just looking at that, I'm anxious to wrap up this post and go get on the bike to head home.  :)

River Art

Today I played at Three Pools Recreational Area on the Little North Fork of the Santium River. I loved the way the rocks and lichen looked under the clear water. Here is a series of my favorites.

Grateful

I was off to a slow start yesterday. I was distracted and brought low by some difficult communications with someone I have been very close to, but with whom I'm not sure about how I can maintain a future friendship with - and that was affecting my ability to focus at work, where I really need to be focused. It's a do or die month for me. It's got the potential to be a very, very rewarding month, and I need to keep my eye on the prize and not doubt myself. I wasn't doing that.

Then, as I slowly brought myself back around, something remarkable happened to lift my spirits. One of my work colleagues sent me a text with unsolicited compliments on my skills as a salesperson on this team, and he thanked me for the help I'd given him and others in the past. It was a small gesture, which had a huge impact on my day. I felt appreciated and validated, and immediately I found myself surging forward with renewed confidence in my capabilities and ability to bring new clients into our fold.

Later I received an unsolicited email from our financier, who helps firms finance their purchase from us. Here is what he wrote:

Subject: Keep Smiling ..all good things go to those who wait
Sometimes is seems that everything goes in the opposite direction we want them to and it gets frustrating and exasperating.. patience always wins out to those who have laid the proper and consistent foundation .. you are a WINNER and only good things are coming you're way !!
If things get too cloudy and dark I know a great place to dine and drink on the BEACH !!!

Wow! More support when I needed it. This made me feel great - and cared for. Just the right words to hear.

And then, a little later, I closed a deal (with financing - haha!)!!!  It was a great way to start this critical month off.  I'm so delighted!

I love it when you reach out to the universe (God, Love, Faith in the good of life....all those things are what I mean) and the universe reaches out to meet you halfway.

My faith is fully restored and I am so thankful for all the good in my life.

Long time no write.

So many times I've come here to write, and so many times I've opted not to.  Just wasn't feeling it.  Truth be known, work has been very challenging this year, and ever since I was sick for a month and a half back in January, I've been feeling a bit low.   I think because I lost some of my fitness and let the stress of work knock me back even further in that regard. 

I'm not even sure what I want to write about;  I just know that I've never been completely knocked down, nor do I plan to be, and I want to get the juices flowing again. Maybe if I just start.

Another problem with writing is that my home computer is not running well, so usually I just don't feel like trying to get on it.  Also, my camera lens has been broken since our Spring Break trip to Kah Nee Tah, when the ability to focus and zoom went away.  Feels like something, like a grain of sand or something, might have gotten into the mechanism.  In any case, I've not gotten it repaired, and it's been a strange Spring and Summer without photography.  I miss it, and have a harder time wanting to post in my blog without pictures. 

That said, I feel good right now.  I have been keeping my head above water and have been regaining some clarity about things I'd gotten fuzzy about for a while during all of the stress this year.  I've also been finding new questions to ask myself about what direction I want my life to take.  I feel like I'm in a cycle of change right now, and that is always exciting and sometimes scary - but I haven't figured out what exactly what the change specifically is right now. 

Maybe tonight I'll try and post pics from the Kah Nee Ta trip, since nobody's seen those, and I'll start thinking about the specific things I want to tackle, and take it one topic at a time...

I swore I'd never do it again...

...but my kids begged and begged until I rather spontaneously gave in and and went to the humane society, ostensibly, to "look."  But we didn't just look.  I wound up falling for and adopting some grown kitties for them last weekend.  I found myself a little shocked at what I had done, considering how much I had been against this for so long.  I just hadn't wanted more to look after.  Yet, here we are with two new family members, and my kids are so delighted.

Turns out they are really nice cats who have shown no bad habits since they've been here for about a week.  They always use the litter box, and as was promised, Stella scoops it twice a day.  They scratch their scratch pads only and play with their toys.  The kids are enjoying them so well, and don't ask me to be on the computer nearly as much as they had been, because they play with the cats so much.  And they have been great about feeding, watering and brushing the cats, too.

Each cat has its own unique personality and good looks.  Cassie is all black, very elegant, and is very, very sweet.  Her personality reminds me of my cat, Leonard, in that she likes to be near us, usually finding a spot to hang out within close proximity of anyone reading or watching tv on the sofa.  She's very mellow, and was completely unphased by our black lab, Molly, when they met.  Also like Leonard, she doesn't climb all over you to show affection;  she simply gives you a gentle head-butt from time to time.  Did I mention she's elegant, gorgeous and very fluffy and soft?  I really, really like her. 

Roger, the grey and white kitty, is younger and more active.  He is somewhat aloof and independent, except when someone provides something to chase.  Then he's wants to be wherever you are with the toy.  At 2 years old, he is still very playful and entertains the kids endlessly!  And, I think he is starting to warm up to us more, too, and he's quite handsome himself.  Neither of them seem to mind being inside all the time, which I'm glad of, since they really need to be at home here for awhile.

My only bad feelings about this decision are that I put the cart before the horse when I impulsively adopted these cats. I had a brief conversation, some months ago with the property manager of the house I rent, in which he said he could ask the owners if it was alright to have cats.  I was just testing the waters, still not really keen on actually getting cats, though I was being pressured by my children.  He never said yes, and I should have waited till I talked with him again, and obtained permission.  I feel badly that I acted impulsively and then had to call him after the fact to ask if what I had done was ok.  I put him on the spot, and I'm not proud of that.  Not sure what I was thinking.  When I called to tell him what I'd done, he did say it was ok and was very nice about it, but I think he felt resentful that I had handled it that way.  I certainly don't blame him for that.  To make it worse, this is a friend - the father of one of Stella's good friends from school.  He's someone I respect and really like.  I felt very relieved that he let me slide by allowing the cats, because I knew how disappointed the kids would be if we couldn't keep them, but I am ashamed of myself all the same.

Today he let me know via text that he was surprised I had two.  The Monday after I got them, I called him to tell him about both, but apparently I wasn't clear, so I've got a knot in my stomach about that now, too.   I've confirmed that there are, indeed, two, and that they are well-behaved, but he hasn't responded back to me to let me know if everything is still OK.  I hate this awkwardness, and feel I don't have a leg to stand on in defending my actions.  I wish I could have a do-over.

How can pretty, fun creatures like these represent so much agony in my heart right now?



Stella named her "Cassandra," and we also call her "Cassie."



Her fur has been shaved on her back near her tail, because she had wounds which needed treatment.

Cassie LOVES these little furry balls with the tinsel sticking out.

Starting to get frisky with it...

POUNCE!

"What's that noise?"

Love her big, gold eyes. 

This is Roger, whom Stella also named.

I need to trim Roger's collar.  He has quite the intense look, doesn't he?

I'm so grateful that both of these characters really love these scratch pads.

Handsome boy relaxing on my bed for the first time, today.

This is my favorite photo of Roger.  Notice how my bedspread pattern looks like kitty head, and the green matches his eyes!

First Dance

Stella got all prettied up for her first dance tonight. She and her Dad have a date to the Daddy/Daughter Dance at the Southwest Community Center. They joined her two best friends and their dads for a masquerade ball and other fun. I can't believe how much Stella's growing up. She looked lovely tonight and so did her friends. All beautiful, wonderful girls. The dads all looked handsome and proud - and they rode off together in style!