Newness

I disappeared for a long time, but I feel the need to write again.  To have some sort of document of my thoughts...of my days.

There is so much new, even as much remains too much the same.  I've started a new job, though it's still in sales.  I like that I'm working downtown.  I've yet to see if this job will excite me as much as my first several years at Axium did, but I have new challenges and I want to rise to them.  I love working in downtown Portland, and I like that it's not as demanding a job, because it frees me up to give some attention to my family and to a new pursuit.

I'm going to play the bass guitar.  I bought one for myself for Christmas, and I'm hiring a friend of mine to teach me.  He is a really good bass player, and teaches at Apple Music downtown, so that's convenient for me.  I start lessons this coming Wednesday!  I know I need goals in order to progress at anything, so I've set a goal to be able to play at a public blues jam by the end of 2013.  Duff's Garage,  I'll be playing more than the washboard on your stage soon! 

Since I'll be getting off at 3:30 from this new job, I'll also be able to ride my motorcycle a bit more this coming Summer.  Can't wait.  I've put around 10,500 miles on it since I bought it in October of 2011, and I am still crazy about riding.  I need to ride a little less, so I can get some hikes in this year.  (last year I hiked very little because of my little Suzuki)  But, still...it's just so much fun, and I'm looking forward to doing a big group ride this year out to Hell's Canyon. 

Other newness:  living in yet another house in pretty much the same neighborhood.  I don't think I'll stay here past a year, though.  I don't like it.  It's on the North side of a hill, and it has no character.  Besides that, the dishwasher is crappy, and the water pressure is terrible throughout the house.  It costs too much to live here, especially considering all that this place lacks in charm and basic functioning.  I'm thinking about buying.  We'll see.

I'm still single, but there is some newness in my love life.  Just nothing I can relax into.  And my heart has been very confused.  I've been struggling with a moral dilemma.  Usually, I don't have a hard time doing the "right" thing.  Usually.  This time I'm struggling with what is actually right.  No...I'm not.  Not really.  *sigh*

Also, I'm in touch with an old love from way, way back in time.  He reaches out to me, which is surprising.  I never thought he would be one to do that.  Yet he does. I enjoy being in touch with him.  It painless and kind of fun.  And he's too far away for either of us to start having wishful thoughts.  Safe.  Flattering.  Comfortable...

And yet, I long for something safe, exciting and comfortable and HERE.  Something I don't have to feel conflicted about.  But as tired as I get of being alone, I struggle with the idea of giving up any of my freedom.  Why am I always so conflicted?  I think too much, I think.

I feel clumsy writing today.  I will probably feel that way for awhile, but I will keep writing till the edges become smoother and my ideas flow more readily.  I'll post pictures and tell stories.  I'll find my voice again.  It's not new for me to want to write, but sometimes it's a new effort.  I'm ready to put forth that effort now.

10:49 pm on Wednesday

I should be sleeping.
Instead of worrying.
Instead of longing.
Instead of wishing to simply slip over into  greener pastures
and bluer skies.

I should be resting.
Healing.
Preparing.
Making ready for that moment things change for the better.

I should be here, now.
In this moment, I should plant myself. 
Firmly.
And with conviction.

Moments are passing,
which won't return.

I should be present and mindful.
Not weakened by distraction.

But I keep racing into the future.
To manicured hillsides
and unruly curls.

How will I ever get there if I'm not here first?

I should be sleeping.
I will go now, deeply.
And leave the future to my dreams.

Europe, finally!

Traveling is very important to me at this point in my life.  My kids are still somewhat young, but I'm not as young, and there are things I want to see and do while I'm still healthy and active.  I don't want to wait till they are grown, because so many things can change.  Life really is NOW. 

I've always desired to travel, of course, and I've done a little travelling, but too many years have passed without me actually going to my dream destination:  Europe.  I've longed to go and experience the sights and history there since I was a young girl, but just haven't worked it out to get there as of yet.  Spain has always held a particular appeal for me, because I am so drawn by the passion and pathos of their culture, which is so evident in their music and dance.  I've mentioned many times how I love Flamenco.  I almost went to Spain back in 1994, but I took a 3 month train trip around the United States instead.  I then planned to go to Spain in 2011, but my sales early in the year prevented that trip. 

Now, here at the start of 2012, and after finishing 2011 strongly, I'm prepared to make a trip.  But, surprisingly, not to Spain!  Quite an opposite kind of place, really (but maybe I should withold any judgement until I get there.)  I'm going to ... Switzerland!  Life is funny in that it really surprises you sometimes.  This time the surprise came through a friend I met many years ago in Homer, AK.  Sabine Schatterling and I met when she was visiting AK.  We became friends and traveled to Anchorage to see Stevie Ray Vaughn not long before he was killed in a airplane crash.  We took mini adventures in my Jeep and enjoyed dancing together at the big end of Summer Homer/KBBI Concert on the Lawn.  She is part of my wonderful memories of that special place.  We reconnected on Facebook in 2009, and not long after that I became acquainted with another friend of hers who also holds fond memories of Homer.  His name is Remo Meyer, and he spent time in Homer after I left there.  I don't remember exactly how, but it was through Sabine on Facebook that he and I became acquainted.  He is a joyful, lively person who loves his dog, Kenai, and seems to enjoy experiencing life very fully and deeply.  I like him very well.  My friendship with him has grown over time and now I find myself eager to pay this delightful man a visit in his own country.  He says he is happy to host me, and I cannot wait to see this beautiful country and meet my friend in person!

Remo's home in the canton of St. Gallen

I will write more about my plans as they fully unfold.  I'm so happy to have something like this to look forward to in the coming months.  Life is so good!

Now...to get a passport!

My New Obsession

My thoughts about how to be present to enjoy life in the moment have alighted on something that should have been obvious to me a long time ago:   motorcycles make any trip an adventure, and I should have one!

It's not like I'm unfamiliar with the fun of motorcycles.  I grew up around them, because my dad always had a motorcycle.  Dad would travel across the country in a few days on his.  Really.  From California to Florida on a whim.  That's freedom!  Motorcycles satisified his need for a change of scene and made him feel more alive to just take off on his motorcycle. He identified himself by the style of bike he rode - which was always a Japanese-made performance bike of some kind.  Something with speed and power and good handling.  He loathed everything about a Harley, as he knew them back then:  always breaking down, loud for loud's sake, and not nimble on curvy roads.  Dad always wanted to go fast.

My Grandad always had a motorcycle, too.  In fact, I would ride his when I was a teenager.  It was a lot of fun, and I loved the thrill of it.  I can't remember what it was, exactly, but I think it was a Scrambler, and it looked a lot like this:

It could be ridden on and off road, and I used to ride it near our house in Durango, Colorado with out our neighbor, Eddie, who taught me to ride motorcross, too.  I raced once.  Just once.  And on a bigger bike than this, which was designed for motorcross.  That was scary!

I rode a few more times in my late teens and early 20's.  I remember riding a friend's motorcycle in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming, when I was on a day off from my lodge job there.  I was 18.  I didn't have a motorcycle endorsement on my license, and I don't even know if one was required back then in Wyoming.  I didn't even think about that.  I just went for a ride with the Tetons as the backdrop - gorgeous memories. 

A year or so later I rode dirt bikes when I was stationed at Eglin Air Force Base in the Air Force.  My friend, Bud, had a couple and he would take me out on the Eglin AFB reservation where we tore it up and had a blast.  The dirt was very sandy and there were lots of trees, which ended up being the disaster it sounds like it could be.  I slid out and lost control of the bike and went over the handlebars into a tree, and hurt my neck.  I didn't realize how badly till later that evening at a squadron dinner when I was in severe pain, and had to go to the hospital to be looked at.  I'm pretty sure that was the last time I rode a motorcycle on my own.  It's not that I was afraid.  Not at all.  I just never had my own, and didn't find myself in a position to ride one, other than on the back of someone else's.

This past Summer, my friend, Shellie invited me to meet her out at "Taco Wednesdays" at the Corner Saloon, where bikers gather every Wednesday to eat $1 tacos and drink beer and look at each other's bikes.  Shellie rides a Harley, so I initially wondered why I should go, since all I had to show up in was my Subaru Forester.  Shellie sold me on the idea that it was a fun bunch of people, and some other people I  knew would be there, who also didn't have bikes.  It wasn't a hard sell.  Shellie is always fun.  She's my adventure buddy!  So I headed over there, and had a great time.  One of Shellie's friends, a nice guy named Michael, asked me if I wanted to go for a ride.  Of course I was game, and hopped on back.  The weather was perfect for a ride, and it was just gorgeous out where we rode.  Rolling hills, blue skies, rural countryside.  I really enjoyed myself, and was sad when we had to head back.

My second invite of the evening came from the owner of a Triumph Bonneville I had been admiring, not realizing the owner was a few yards away watching me.  His name, as it turns out, was Brad.  Brad had just ridden back into Portland from Montana, where he has another home.  He was tired from that trip, so I was pretty surprised when he asked me if I wanted to take a ride.  I am so glad he did.  Riding as the sky is changing colors and the moon is rising is just spectacular on a late Summer's eve.  I became officially hooked, and started plotting how to have my own motorcyle. 

That was the end of August.  By October, I had taken the Motorcycle Safety Course offered through Team Oregon, and has purchased my first motorcycle.  I spent the weeks between that fateful evening ride and finally purchasing a bike, pouring through Craigslist looking for bikes that looked like the one I loved that my Grandfather owned.  I like that look of a Standard Japanese Sport bike of the late '60's and early '70's.  I also like the old Triumphs.  I just didn't really want an old bike, since I'm no mechanic, and I wanted something easy and reliable.  How disappointed I felt seeing all the newer models.  There are some nice looking bikes out there from the "crotch rockets" to the big old Harley Cruisers. They just weren't what I had my heart set on.  I considered a new Triumph, but they were spendy, and BIG for me.  Just too tall for this new rider.  I considered a Harley Sportster, but they are also big bikes, though I can put my feet down on the ground.  883ccs seemed like overkill for me, as a new rider, and I just wasn't completely in love with the style.  Call it sentimentalilty, but I wanted a bike that looked like James Dean or Marlon Brando should be sitting on it.  One late night, just when I thought I was going to have to settle until I was ready for one of the bigger Triumphs, when I came across a web article titled, Perfect Motorcycles for New Riders.  I opened it up and saw many of the bikes I had already considered.  Ho Hum.  Then, I saw this:

It was love at first sight!

Even better were all the great reviews about this little known bike, the Suzuki TU250X!  I found it got great gas mileage (70+ MPG), and is fuel injected!  No carburetors to mess with, just turn it on and hit the starter - vroom!  I'm just so happy to have found it and to own it.  It's only 326 lbs soaking wet, so I have no problem handling it, even at slower speeds and tight corners.  I love it's extra large, vintage headlight.  It is very responsive, because of the standard positioning of the front wheel (a physics thing)  There are just many, many reasons it's a great bike for me a new road rider.  I absolutely LOVE leaning into curves on this bike.  So dang fun! 

Riding in Autumn has been chilly, but very special.  New-mown hay fields smell wonderful, as do the apple orchards full of trees which are dropping over-ripe fruit to the ground.  The orchards are delightful, actually - fruity with a hint of wood and spices.  Can't explain it.  I never realized how many scents hang in the air like that, and how you just don't notice them in a car.  I enjoy smelling people's dinners cooking and laundry drying too.  Cow country is a little stinky though!   So far, those unpleasant whiffs of cow excrement have been brief.  Maybe it's the chill air. All I know is I love riding, and when I'm not riding I'm thinking about it.  And, I still love riding at sunset.  It's simply beautiful. 

I can hardly wait till Summer to take my motorcycle out on a trip out to Eastern Oregon to camp and shoot pictures.  The adventure will start the minute I leave the house!

I'm a little sad that the weather is more wintry now.  I rode in to work today, but even the light rain that was falling as I got closer to the office was unpleasant stinging my face.  Still, the minute it stopped, it was all worth it.  I  rode up toward Mount Hood on the weekend of my birthday, December 3rd.  I had considered going around the mountain, since the sun was shining, it was around 48 degrees in the valley, and it had been dry for a couple of days.  But by the time I stopped at Wraptitude in Welches to get something to eat, I knew I was turning around and heading back down.  Just too cold at that altitude!  I did take a picture of my motorcycle there.  It's the only one I've taken.  I've just not had my camera with me, or the battery in my cell phone has died when I think about it.  I don't know...I only want to ride and shooting pics isn't what I think about when I take off.  It's sort of a zen experience.  I'll surely write more about that.  For the time being, I'm just enjoying each moment I can be out there. 

Here's that one picture:

Just looking at that, I'm anxious to wrap up this post and go get on the bike to head home.  :)

River Art

Today I played at Three Pools Recreational Area on the Little North Fork of the Santium River. I loved the way the rocks and lichen looked under the clear water. Here is a series of my favorites.

Grateful

I was off to a slow start yesterday. I was distracted and brought low by some difficult communications with someone I have been very close to, but with whom I'm not sure about how I can maintain a future friendship with - and that was affecting my ability to focus at work, where I really need to be focused. It's a do or die month for me. It's got the potential to be a very, very rewarding month, and I need to keep my eye on the prize and not doubt myself. I wasn't doing that.

Then, as I slowly brought myself back around, something remarkable happened to lift my spirits. One of my work colleagues sent me a text with unsolicited compliments on my skills as a salesperson on this team, and he thanked me for the help I'd given him and others in the past. It was a small gesture, which had a huge impact on my day. I felt appreciated and validated, and immediately I found myself surging forward with renewed confidence in my capabilities and ability to bring new clients into our fold.

Later I received an unsolicited email from our financier, who helps firms finance their purchase from us. Here is what he wrote:

Subject: Keep Smiling ..all good things go to those who wait
Sometimes is seems that everything goes in the opposite direction we want them to and it gets frustrating and exasperating.. patience always wins out to those who have laid the proper and consistent foundation .. you are a WINNER and only good things are coming you're way !!
If things get too cloudy and dark I know a great place to dine and drink on the BEACH !!!

Wow! More support when I needed it. This made me feel great - and cared for. Just the right words to hear.

And then, a little later, I closed a deal (with financing - haha!)!!!  It was a great way to start this critical month off.  I'm so delighted!

I love it when you reach out to the universe (God, Love, Faith in the good of life....all those things are what I mean) and the universe reaches out to meet you halfway.

My faith is fully restored and I am so thankful for all the good in my life.

Long time no write.

So many times I've come here to write, and so many times I've opted not to.  Just wasn't feeling it.  Truth be known, work has been very challenging this year, and ever since I was sick for a month and a half back in January, I've been feeling a bit low.   I think because I lost some of my fitness and let the stress of work knock me back even further in that regard. 

I'm not even sure what I want to write about;  I just know that I've never been completely knocked down, nor do I plan to be, and I want to get the juices flowing again. Maybe if I just start.

Another problem with writing is that my home computer is not running well, so usually I just don't feel like trying to get on it.  Also, my camera lens has been broken since our Spring Break trip to Kah Nee Tah, when the ability to focus and zoom went away.  Feels like something, like a grain of sand or something, might have gotten into the mechanism.  In any case, I've not gotten it repaired, and it's been a strange Spring and Summer without photography.  I miss it, and have a harder time wanting to post in my blog without pictures. 

That said, I feel good right now.  I have been keeping my head above water and have been regaining some clarity about things I'd gotten fuzzy about for a while during all of the stress this year.  I've also been finding new questions to ask myself about what direction I want my life to take.  I feel like I'm in a cycle of change right now, and that is always exciting and sometimes scary - but I haven't figured out what exactly what the change specifically is right now. 

Maybe tonight I'll try and post pics from the Kah Nee Ta trip, since nobody's seen those, and I'll start thinking about the specific things I want to tackle, and take it one topic at a time...